I really never thought parenting would be so hard. In all honesty, I never even gave being a "parent" much thought. I was in such a state of denial when I was pregnant with Ava that I didn't even think about being
pregnant. seriously. I never wondered if she had 10 fingers, 10 toes. I didn't wonder what her personality would be like. I didn't think of what kind of mother I would be, or how I wanted to raise her. As awful as it sounds, all I could think of was wanting to
not be pregnant.
My entire world changed in an instant on August 1, 2005. In a single moment, I was a
Mom. And I was so in love and amazed that this precious, sweet, and
perfect baby was mine. What and amazing and terrifing thing. Since that day I haven't stopped worrying. I ask myself at least once a day, "Am I doing what is best for her?" I feel like I have made a million mistakes, and it goes without question that I will make at least a million more before she turns 18.
She is so smart. She is currently working on recognizing "big numbers" like "53" and "67". She is getting really good at reading a digital clock ((praise the lord--I don't know how much more "what time is it" questions I could take!)) She is learning the sing & sign song for preschool, and practices
every day.She will be "graduating" Preschool this May. She knows what number to dial in an emergency, but we are still working on learning our address (it is sooo long). She can write her first & last name , albeit sometimes her last name comes first...
She is sweet. Always wanting a hug and kiss. Always saying "Hey Mom? I love you". She is also so sweet and loving to her babies--such a good little "mommy". I love to hear her bossing and playing in her room :)
She is funny. The kid seriously has the best dry humor I have ever heard. Sarcasm is one of the greatest gifts for this kid!
She is beautiful. And this helps her out a ton when I am getting after her!
She is social. After about 5 minutes, you won't be able to get another word in. Seriously, this girl can out-talk
me, and
that is saying something!
She is so strong willed. While I know one day I will appreciate it, it has been a huge challenge as of late to deal with such a strong personality ((I can almost hear my mother laughing as I type)). We can get into some serious arguements at four. Yes, I argue with a four year old.
She is trying. Sometimes, she is too smart for her own good. I am constantly having to come up with new disipline and punishments for my 4 going on 16 year old child.
She is spoiled. So many people love her--and sometimes she gets a little rotten for it.
All these things and more make up my beautiful, smart, funny, loveable, stubborn Ava. And at the end of days like yesterday, when she got her
second note sent home from school for
bad behavior (this time she was sent to the office --MAJOR NO NO!) in just two weeks, I ask myself "What do I do? How do I handle this? " I know some of you are thinking --no big deal--but let me tell you as a parent, this is HUGE. You start to think "This is NOT my child. She knows better. What was she thinking? " Then your mind starts to wonder and you shutter as you invision your child, your sweet, smart, beautiful little girl with a nose ring and baby bump on 16 & Pregnant ((so i might be being a tad bit dramatic here)) ! Seriously, those thoughts WILL cross your mind!
Where is the manual? Why don't parents have a guide book? Where is her set of instructions? I know in the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal. But last night, I was something that made me sick to my stomache. I was disappointed in her. And that was not a good feeling.
Of course I turn that disappointment to me. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to make her see? Am I setting the right example? Have I disappointed her? LHM--where are my anxiety meds??
No one ever told me parenting was hard...but I am definately learning that now. I will continue to learn and will make mistakes. I doubt I will ever feel like I am the best Mom I can be, but I know I am trying. I know it is worth all the crying, arguing, punishments, and trials in the end. We come out a little smarter, a little stronger, and just a little bit more mature. Looks like we are writing our own manual :)
