no words to describe this post...

i feel like i am on a never ending roller coaster, and i just want to get off. thankfully, tomorrow is friday, and my responsibilities will weaken just a wee bit. we are still house-sitting for my wonderful brother and now sister in law until sunday night. do you know i haven't even seen my little apartment since last friday morning? pure craziness has been my life for at least the past 3 weeks. i know i promised updates, but quite frankly, so much has gone on, that I don't even remember where i left off. so i will just start recapping from this past weekend.

on saturday, july 11, my best friend sarah and my brother in law were married at the tower club here in dallas. it was beautiful. ava was the flower girl, and she did an amazing job! i was so sad to see my baby look and act like such a big girl. i promise i will show pictures as soon as we get them back from the wonderfully talented photographer, jenny martell. if you have time, you should stop by her website, http://www.jennymartelphotography.com/ and see her amazing work. justin was the best man and did a great job with his speech. i was one of sarah's matron of honors, and had such a great day helping her get ready and just hanging out with her! I finally even got to get a pedi which was so over due! On saturday, i had my make up done for the first time professionally, and I was in heaven! They did such a good job making me look halfway decent! more on the wedding in a future post :)

On tuesday, baby girl had her bi-lateral tubes removed, and it was seriously one of the worst mommy experiences i have had yet. all was well in the beginning. they gave her some sleeping medicine that made her so completely hilarious, and soon she drifted off to sleep. They took her down for surgery, and before i knew it, they were back to tell me that she sleeping in recovery. apparently the meds they normally give didn't work on Ava, and they had to give her a different kind of anesthesia, and that it would take a little longer for her to wake up. they finally brought her in about 40 minutes later, and she was crying. i scooped her up and began to rock her. finally she was awake enough to ask for something to eat, so she had a Popsicle an some apple juice, but was becoming more and more irritable and upset. she started really crying, and then started begging to go home. we had to wait an hour before they released us, and when it was time to finally be discharged, she was screaming "i want to go home noooowwwww" we finally get to the car, and she is completely loosing it now. screaming and kicking and hitting and thrashing, shouting at both justin and i. i sat in the back seat next to her because i was totally freaked out, and was trying to get her to calm down. the fifteen minute car ride from the hospital to brad and sarah's (remember we are house sitting) was pure torture. she is kicking the seat, hitting and pinching me, and is still screaming at the top of her lungs. we get home, get her to the bed room, were she proceeds to thrash around on the the bed and screaming" leave me alone, i don't want you, get out of my room" we step away from the bed and she screams"no don't leave me , i want my daddy, hold me" i go to pick her up..."don't touch me! I want my daddy! I don't want you!" daggers right through my heart. now i am crying and she is thrashing in justin's arms and still screaming, now telling him "put me down! i don't want you! leave me alone" finally, i had to just walk out of the room. i am balling, and she is still freaking, so i dial her doctor to figure out what the hell he did to my child. He says sometimes this happens. ask if she is in any pain. excuse me? my child has turned into a nut job and won't let me near her, but you think i should see if she is in pain? i am pretty sure she would have already screamed that at me if she was. i hang up with him and run back upstairs to assess. finally, she is laying in the bed, still screaming, but not thrashing around anymore. she yells "get out of my room, i only want my dad." and so i quietly shut the door, go outside and sit crying. about 5 minutes pass and the door opens. "i love you mommy. can i come outside with you?" what the hell was that? finally my sweet, loving, mommmy-always-makes-it-better daughter want me. i hug and kiss her, tell her how brave she was, and am so grateful that it is finally over.

she was perfect the rest of the day--and has been doing wonderfully the rest of this week. I am so glad all of that is over!!! i can't wait to really talk to her doctor to figure out why she went crazy. scariest thing ever. i have never felt so helpless, or like such a bad mother. it broke my heart that i couldn't do anything for her, or worse, that she was screaming that she didn't want me to. ughh... like i said. horrible. when she got her tubes in, all was really easy, so i definitely wasn't prepared for what happened.

the rest of this week has been uneventful, praise the lord. i am glad that tomorrow is friday, that my baby girl is doing great, that i still have a job and almost all of my sanity.

that is all i have for now. my emotions are tapped out, and I am still trying to recover from too much stress. i will be back soon with fun happy posts. but for now, i am going to go snuggle my almost 4 year old before bed time. little moments make all of this worth it, wouldn't you say?